Making a statement

[blinker]

Kelly's not coming to New York with me in June for my little brother's high school graduation. Last night, I asked my mother if it would be okay for her to come with me. Her response?

"I don't think it's an appropriate time to make a statement."

After much clarification and "I'm just concerned for the kids", it became apparent that that meant "no." I suppose I should cut her some slack, because she's only had 7 YEARS to get used to the possibility that I might someday wind up in a committed relationship with another woman.

I really should have followed through on the plan to have her trapped in an elevator with a dozen PFLAG members.

Comments

[queue.livejournal.com]

Knowing absolutely nothing about the situation, I'll ask a stupid question:

Why did you ask your mother in advance if it was okay?

[slinkr.livejournal.com]

That's an interesting question. I hadn't really considered the other alternatives.

A big part of the problem is that my mother likes to cast the entire issue in terms of my need to "make a statement" or "make a scene" versus other people's comfort. I always remind her that my interest in having Kelly around isn't really about attracting attention from other people, but I'm not sure she believes me. Doing anything that surprises my parents (like showing up with Kelly unannounced) is unlikely to convince them that I'm not trying to cause controversy.

Kelly, who is very good at keeping a sense of humor about these things, suggested that we should go down to New York for the weekend anyway and that I should leave her in the car while I was with my family.

[treacle-well.livejournal.com]

Aaargh. That "make a statement" phrase in your original entry jumped right out at me; sorry she looks at it that way. Not that I think there's anything wrong with making a statement, but in this case it seems clear to me that it's certainly not the only possible motivation. Sheesh. And it's not like there aren't plenty of heterosexual couples who to some extent flaunt their married status or coupleness in a way that also seems to be "making a statement."

Sorry you're still dealing with this attitude after so long. Kelly seems like a real gem. Definitely not someone to be left behind in a car--though I have to admit that the though is amusing--and it would certainly "make a statement" wouldn't it?

[queue.livejournal.com]

My relationship with my parents has changed quite a bit, or at least my end of it.

When my mom came out to visit, and I had recently told her about the poly stuff, I did ask her if she wanted to meet anyone. Her answer was that she wanted to spend time with me and my wife, since that was my "primary relationsip", and she only had a limited amount of time. I think she's uncomfortable with the idea and thinks I'm doing the wrong thing, but she still wants to say that she loves and supports me no matter what. It seems that this mainly boils down to not talking about it, but that's another issue, I guess. So I didn't bring anyone else along for the few days she was here.

Now, if my mom had some big event (like, if she actually ever ends up getting married), I might ask if I can bring someone. Other than something like that, if things worked out that I would bring someone other than my wife with me to visit her (long ways away, so it's not necessarily all that likely), I wouldn't ask her if that was okay. I think I would just let her know who was coming with me. In the past, I think I might have been more inclined to ask. But now, I really see my parents as just people. Yes, if there were some kind of big emergency, I would go back and try to help out. Yes, if my life fell completely apart and I had nowhere else to turn, I'd probably turn to my parents. But they're just not any kind of priority any more. I guess maybe that's part of growing up. I don't know; I haven't read the rule book.

Err, thanks for letting me use your journal to knock around some ideas that have been in my head for a while.

[slinkr.livejournal.com]

This is some good food for thought. I think I handle these things much better when my siblings aren't involved. I get really protective of them because I know that they're growing up in a dysfunctional environment and I don't want to contribute to it.

[lcohen]

wouldn't seeing you overcome it and refuse to buy into it send a very positive message, though?

[surrealestate.livejournal.com]

For spending time together in a "getting-to-know-them" sort of way, I can see how your (queue's) mom might feel that it was effectively not worth her time to get to know people who she felt were only passing presences in your life, especially if you do not spend large amount of times with her to begin with. For events, I agree with that it'd be a different story.

I went through some similar issues with my mom as well.

[pookfreak.livejournal.com]

Kelly, who is very good at keeping a sense of humor about these things, suggested that we should go down to New York for the weekend anyway and that I should leave her in the car while I was with my family
*laugh* it's great that Kelly has a sense of humor. Perhaps she can come down and do other things in the city during the ceremony and you can let your Mother know that you respected her wishes not to bring Kelly to the ceremony but that she should understand that for you to be happy, having your partner with you on large family important weekends makes you happy.

Also you should make sure the present (if you get one) is from both of you. A subtle way of including her (by having her sign the card) without making a big deal which should also show that you're not trying to make a statement but share life experiences with your partner.

[bitty.livejournal.com]

'cause like all these kids aren't gonna' meet any gay people when they get to college.

[slinkr.livejournal.com]

Scarsdale High School has had a Gay Straight Alliance since 1995. They've probably met some already.

[bitty.livejournal.com]

Remind your mother of that?

This is not what you want to hear

[nmc.livejournal.com]

Argh. "Make a statement" might as well be "flaunt your sexuality." They mean the same thing.

I really should have followed through on the plan to have her trapped in an elevator with a dozen PFLAG members.

Not a bad idea. Maybe you should sign her up for a mailing list or two.

[surrealestate.livejournal.com]

Oy, that really sucks. Yeah, of course, the only reason you like having your SO with you is to make a statement. Does she think this is just a phase?

Has your mom met Kelly before? Have y'all spent some time together?

[call-me-al.livejournal.com]

so what would happen if you just brought her anyway?