Marriage and web services

[blinker]

A post in red_frog's journal about dealing with cluelessness reminded me that I had forgotten to post this story when it happened a month ago.

Picture it: April 2005. I've spent a few weeks slogging through my first same-sex married couple tax filing process and has also had to complete a ton of paperwork related to a new job. Some of this paperwork includes questions about my marital status. I am checking the "married" box unless the form goes to the federal government, in which case I am scowling and checking the "single" box. I go to a weekend-long symposium on Java and web services in a nearby town.

Saturday afternoon, I'm attending a lecture on web services. There are maybe 20 people in the room. I'm sitting near the front. The speaker is pretty good, he's very funny and energetic and he's got this kind of crazy long-haired guy thing going. He starts explaining the pitfalls of representing objects in a hierarchy. One of those pitfalls is that cyclical relationships are not so hierarchical. He needs a demonstration. Marriage is an example of a cyclical relationship between two parties, because each is married to the other. So he turns to the only woman in the room, which is me, and says "stand up." Slightly surprised, I stand up. He says "are you married?" I get very confused because this question is way the hell out of context. "Is this state or federal?" I wonder.

I decide that it's probably state. I say "yes." He says something unintelligible, so I say "what?" "Is he here?" he repeats. Now I'm really confused. Is who what where? I realize that I've been mistaken for a straight-married chick. The previous day I almost got mistaken for a guy, so clearly there's a widespread shortage of gaydar. I debate the relative merits of subjecting 20 innocent software engineers to a brief lecture on same-sex marriage and the danger of making assumptions. I decide it's better just to say no so we can get back to web services. He picks a husband stand-in from the other side of the room and goes back to making his point. I spend the rest of the lecture distracted by thoughts about how I'm the worst married lesbian ever and a blight upon the gay rights movement. I apologize to Kelly as soon as I get home. When she's done laughing, she says it's okay. I'm lucky that she's so understanding.

Comments

[zzbottom.livejournal.com]

I'm the worst married lesbian ever

Can we get that on a t-shirt for you for Pride?

[slinkr.livejournal.com]

Sure. It will be a great conversation-starter.

[danger-chick.livejournal.com]

You could have said, "No, my wife is not here." But I can understand why you didn't want to open up a whole can o' worms in the middle of someone else's lecture.

[lcohen]

when i used to go to ayana's user conferences as a spouse and get asked about my husband, this is actually what i did. but i agree that it's hard to think that fast on your feet. i knew what i was going to do because i knew i was there as a spouse and that the issue was likely to come up.

[yesthattom.livejournal.com]

You don't have to be an activists 24x7.

(though do that 3 times in a row and you lose your lesbian card... or something)

[spwebdesign.livejournal.com]

It would have been priceless if you had asked, "State or Federal?"

[slinkr.livejournal.com]

Actually, the best answer would have been "only in Massachusetts."